Over the last few days this years battle between myself and a local posse of raccoons has escalated somewhat. Each morning I have awoken to discover a trail of garbage-based devastation strewn across the lawn which I then have to reassemble into a new bin bag, dry heaving all the way, while finding more and more ingenious ways to prevent the little buggers tipping the dustbin over again. Attempts have included placing heavy objects on top of the bin, wedging the bin into inaccessible space, tying the bin lid down with string, and even weighing the bin down with garden furniture, yet somehow they succeed in outwitting my scheme so each day the garden ends up looking like Glastonbury will next Monday morning.

Yesterday evening however the battle of Raccoons vs me reached a new level. Returning from the city I discover once again, despite my ingenious solution of wedging garden implements into the trellis and pinning the bin underneath, they had pulled the contents of last nights dinner all over the place. However I was rather taken aback to see that in fact I’d caught the critters red-handed and there they were sat, munching on a couple of mouldy pita breads, in pretty much broad daylight. There was a moment of recognition between us two antagonists – like when Robert De Niro meets Al Pacino for the first time in the movie Heat, although am pretty sure in that showdown Pacino didn’t have a mouthful of rotten Greek bread (that was Brando in the Godfather I think) – only undone by the intense smell of raccoon urine

To add insult to injury, on entering the little outhouse to try and repair the decimated bin bag for the umpteenth time, the raccoons didn’t exactly make a run for it, instead retreated a couple of yards with the pitas but then made little daring runs to try and retrieve as much crap from the bag as I was attempted to return it to its rightful place. Clearly they had very little fear of me whatsoever and downright contempt at my efforts so far in securing what they felt was rightfully theirs.

Eventually, after realising I would now be standing guard in the refuse area until they left – they skulked away to cause some havoc elsewhere. And as of this morning the bin is where it should be, upright, full of garbage, wedged in a corner, tied with string, pinned down with planks and tools and surrounded by heavy garden furniture. Can’t wait until I have to put the garbage out again

Now you could argue that I should just invest in some sort of raccoon repellent or raccoon resistant bin – but I think that’s cheating. It’s a battle of wits – man vs wild – and I feel like I should be able to outsmart them with the tools at my disposal – it’s not as if they can pop down to Canadian Tire to pick up a power saw to hack the bin open with is it? And also they are only doing what they’re supposed to which, while a bit of a inconvenience to me, I can’t really blame them for. Plus I hate the idea of hurting any living thing to be honest. I mean the other week I had to pour boiling water on some ants and I felt terrible for the rest of the day (though probably not as bad as the ants).

So the fight continues

Raccoon update July 24th:
Rather predictably this morning they have once again over come my labyrinth of security, wiretraps, killer spikes, huge rolling balls of doom etc and pulled effing garbage all over my garden again. I have two degrees and am being outsmarted by rodents